Ep. 45- Rachel's Story
/Becky and Autumn sit down with Rachel to share her story. Rachel has been married for eleven years and has four kids, three of whom are living and one who passed away shortly after birth. She’s a trained birth doula and owns her own boutique screen printing business.
Rachel discusses how, growing up, she had parents who encouraged her to choose her own religion, and to be wholly committed to it once she chose. This influence of faithful parents taught Rachel what it was like to have a marriage in which there was so much respect, love, and understanding between them, despite having different religions. Rachel shares how she felt God was there for her, but she wasn’t wholly connected to Him until later on in her life.
Shortly after their son passed away, Rachel describes seeing some concerning text messages on her husband’s phone. A couple of years later, the trickle truth from her husband continued, and over time, he finally disclosed infidelity. Through struggles with finding a helpful therapist, and after her husband lived in the basement for awhile, Rachel prayed to God, asking him “When can I get a divorce?” She says, “I was begging God to let me get a divorce. The answer was always the same: ‘Not yet.’”
If it hadn’t been for my kids, I would have filed for divorce right then.
However, there came a time when she felt the Lord suggest to her that she could ask her husband to move out. The separation lasted two years. During the separation, Rachel’s relationship with God was closer because she was asking for a lot from him. “When you learn you can fight with God, it feels weird,” she says. Rachel describes how her wrestle with God was full of a lot of anger.
Finally, her husband found a therapist that he connected with.
“There’s a sex addict who’s a therapist and I think we should see him.”
Rachel describes how she reluctantly agreed to go, but only for the purpose of learning how to better coparent. She still wasn’t interested in reconciling with her husband.
Rachel explains how during the darkest times, she felt numb and relied on things like shopping, food, and television shows to distract her. She also felt a great deal of loneliness and hopelessness.
During the dark parts, it’s so dark, you don’t see how you’re going to get out of it.
Autumn reminds us that when there are years of betrayal, lies and deceit, it takes time for that to heal. Rachel describes how betrayal throws a rock in the window, but it’s not just the marriage pane that breaks, everything gets broken. It affects your whole life.
When asked when she began seeing the light, Rachel shares how she began noticing that her husband was becoming different from the selfish person he was before.
At that point, I could see an honest change in him because it wasn’t him trying to impress me or convince me, it was just him genuinely living day to day, showing up.
She shares that she felt more seen and more like a partner. He was not perfect, but he was trying, and he was willing to do things that were hard. That’s when they began going to therapy to help heal their marriage.
Rachel describes how, in the beginning of their healing path as a couple, strong and clear boundaries were essential. Becky, Autumn, and Rachel describe their growth over time to being able to hold boundaries. For Rachel, polygraph has also been a vital tool. “At first,” Rachel says, “the polygraphs were done every three months, then every six months, and now it’s every year…I’m five years past disclosure, and I still have nagging things in my head where I wonder, so the polygraph puts my mind at ease.”
When asked where God was in the beautiful parts of her journey, Rachel says she feels that she gained comfort from knowing that the Lord would never ask us to do something He hasn’t done.
The atonement is for people who need a way back to God. Period.
Rachel shares that she has a more communicative relationship with God now. It’s on a personal level, not a scripted prayer.
Becky says about the atonement:
The more I use it, the more I know I need to use it.
Rachel finds restoration through Christ by focusing on continuing a relationship with Him, knowing there’s always going to be a need for Him.
Rachel’s Recovery Resources:
*Therapy—it’s okay to shop around as much as you can and find someone you feel comfortable with.
*Polygraph—it’s not magical. It’s not going to give you all the answers you want, but it does gives some sort of baseline.
*Friends and family—if you’re fighting for your relationship, you need people who support you and support your marriage, too.
*The movie, Moana—You are not this cold, dead person who’s been destroyed. How you’re living is the consequence of what’s happened to you, but it’s not who you are. “It broke open my cold heart, poured God’s view of me into my heart, and filled me in a way that I never knew I could be full.”
Rachel’s song:
“Rescue” by Lauren Daigle
