Ep. 9- Anonymous Q&A #1

Team members Tiffany, Autumn, and Becky sit down to answer anonymous questions from listeners.  They share their individual insights into: “Where do I start in all of this?  How do I start finding healing and peace?”, “What is self-care and why do I need it?”, and end with an important discussion about the difference between forgiveness and trust.  They testify that the Lord is so generous in our individual paths back to Him.  We invite you to Rise Up Restored with us.

#1- Where do I start in all of this?  How do I start finding healing and peace?

Tiffany says to step back and take a breath.  Take a breath and then reach out.  She encourages us to follow our intuition about who to share with.  Keep it in your prayers.  Becky shares that she feels like Satan wants to keep us our separate because 

Satan knows “Keep everybody separate, don’t let anybody talk to each other, because then they will start healing.”

Becky shares that one of the first things she needed, and what we all need, is safety. Physical safety in some situations is the first thing to take care of.  If you and your children need physical safety, that is the most important place to start.  Tiffany shares that safety is the foundation to find healing and peace

I don’t think healing or peace can come until you’ve got some safety.

Emotional safety is important for healing and peace, and boundaries are the best ways to start finding safety.

Becky also shares the importance of taking care of our basic needs.  It is really important to get enough sleep, 7-8 hours is ideal.  She shares that she has a much clearer head when she has enough sleep.  “Are you drinking enough water?”  Take care of your basic needs.  

Autumn shares her four areas of recovery- 1- getting a support person. 2- counseling or therapy.  3- 12-step program.  4- ecclesiastical support.  She feels healing and recovery can come with just a few of these things but that it just takes a bit longer.  Tiffany shares that acceptance is really important in the beginning.  

As long as I was fighting the fact that I was in the situation I was in, I couldn’t start healing and I couldn’t find peace.

Finally, Autumn shares to be careful of your expectation of timing.  She says to give up your timetable because it is on the Lord’s time.  He is going to make it happen when it’s His time.  Becky shares that it is not always about working harder, researching more, and reading more books.  She shares that when she learned to surrender and put it in the Lords hands, that’s when things started coming together for her healing and peace.

#2- What is self-care and why do I need it?

Autumn talks about the importance of self-care and that most women struggle to take care of themselves because they are so focused on everyone else.  She shares that self-care in NOT selfish care.  Becky looked up the definition of self-care (because that is who she is): 

Self-care is the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.

That’s what makes this not selfish. We are protecting our well-being, especially in times of stress.  And what bigger times of stress than betrayal trauma.  Becky shares that self-care is one of best things we can do for ourselves and our loved ones.  Tiffany shares that self-care wasn’t something she knew about for a long time.  She shares that it was scary to let go and take care of herself but when she did, she found a lot of peace and hope.  Autumn shares that self-care for her is physically, emotionally, and spiritually and she uses self-care to take care of herself and to feel better and then she can support the people around her.  She shares the analogy of the oxygen mask on an airplane is like self-care: we are told we need to put our masks on first before we help the people around us.

Self-care is ongoing and changes and it is about exploring who we are.  Self-care looks different for everyone.  Autumn shares that her self-care includes hiking (slow and steady), being in nature and God’s beauty, and photography, especially while she is in nature.  Tiffany shares that her self-care includes massages (and that still battles to share this for fear that she would seem wasteful).  She says that massages help her feel happy.  She also loves nature and takes at least a short walk every day.  Tiffany also shares that supplements and essential oils have been huge for her as she is paying attention and taking care of herself.  Becky shares that for self-care a few years ago she started playing the ukulele, because she had always wanted to.  She joined a ukulele group and played with them for about a year.  She shares 

It fed my soul

And that is what self-care is about.  Feeding our souls.  Becky shares that it may sound silly or frivolous, but it’s those things that allowed her to open that little box she had always wanted to.  Becky shares she doesn’t play here ukulele as much as she used to and this was a good reminder that she would like to pull it and play again.

With self-care, just try.  Actively protect your health.  That is what makes it not selfish.  Just start taking care of yourself and you will figure it out.  In the beginning, be intentional.  “Today I am going to take an hour.”  “Today I am going to take a bath.”  Try and find adDaily act of self-care.

The key is to start!

#3- What is the different between forgiveness and trust?

Becky shares that these two things are very different.  She shares that she was raised to just clean up, forgive, and move on.  But with her husband it was really hard.  She wanted to forgive but she was still being hurt by his decisions and actions.  Becky shares that she found a lot of help when she learned more about what forgiveness really is.  She shares that she learned that

Forgiving someone for what they do, releases me from being tied to that any longer.

Tiffany shares that it was hard to have a safe space with people who didn’t know the difference between forgiveness and trust.  She shares that the forgiveness was something that set her free and the trust was something that needed to be rebuilt and can take longer.  Becky shared a thought from the movie “The Shack” and the journey of the main character to find forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting, Mack. It is about letting go of another person's throat. Forgiveness does not establish relationship. It is to release you from something that will eat you alive, that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly.”

Autumn shares that she feels like trust comes when safety is created and that can take place once safety is created.  She shares that turning things over to the Savior can help.  She shares that for her, a lot of safety had to take place with her husband before the trust could be there.  Autumn shares that she didn’t just have a husband to forgive, she had others to forgive, too.  

I didn’t think I could ever kneel down and pray for someone who ruined my family.

Autumns shares that she trusted God and He created a safe space for her.  She prayed for those people a lot.  She shares that she let Him take them from her it is amazing the forgiveness that has taken place because of trusting the Lord.  Autumn shares that is has taken time and we all have the right to feel hurt.  Autumn shares that it is like a grief process, with anger and sadness, too.  She shares that for her, trust and forgiveness were a little further down the road.

Tiffany shares that she feels forgiveness and trust can come in 3 areas:  for yourself and the mistakes you make, for the loved one, and forgiveness and trust with God.  Yep, sometimes we need to work on forgiveness and trust through with God.

Becky shares that she has had hard experiences with ecclesiastical leaders being told that she needed to “just forgive and move on” and asked why she couldn’t just trust her husband after a few weeks.

Forgiveness in no way every requires trust in someone.

If someone is untrustworthy, there is no obligation to trust them.

Becky shares that she feels forgiveness is a very personal journey.  And that trust is something that takes a long time to earn and can be lost very quickly.  “It’s ok not to trust someone for a while.”  She shares that not trusting doesn’t mean you are being mean or angry or vindictive or unloving.  It doesn’t even mean you haven’t forgiven.  It just means that trust is something that needs to be earned and sometimes it just takes time.  Becky shares that it’s important for loved ones to be patient with ourselves as we are learning to trust again. She believes it is ok not to trust someone and having a hard time forgiving doesn’t mean you don’t have faith and that you don’t trust the Lord.  It is just where you are at.  Just take your time and be gentle with yourself as you are walking this path.

Forgiveness is something we are commanded to do.  But NOT instantly.

Autumn shares that God meets us where we are and whatever we can offer the Lord is enough.  She shares that learning to forgive and trust is something we would like to do and to keep moving along that path.  God will meet you where you are at.

Tiffany shares that she is still learning that piece of wanting to trust, even though it has been 17 years since she learned of her ex-husband’s addiction.  And that’s ok.  She knows it doesn’t mean she hasn’t found healing or is holding onto resentment.  Tiffany shares she is still working on it.

The Lord is so generous in the individual person paths back to Him.  He meets us where we are.  Whatever that looks like.

Thank you again for joining us and sharing your questions with us.  If you know someone who could benefit from this podcast, please share this episode with them.

Recovery Resources Shared Today:

Book- “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Book (and movie)- “The Shack” by William Paul Young

Becky’s Song:

“The God Who Stays” by Matthew West

Ep. 8- Rhyll's Story

Rhyll was born in Montana as the oldest of nine children.  Her family did not have a surplus of money, but they were rich in love for God and for each other.  Her religious upbringing as a young person wasn’t strict, but they were committed to their faith.  Rhyll felt a connection to God through her family, (knowing her father was a good man of faith) and particularly, through music.  She played the piano at church and music was instrumental in developing her growing faith.  

By the time Rhyll and Steven married, Steven had already been exposed to pornography and masturbation in his younger years and had had sexual relationships with girls in his teen years.  Rhyll knew nothing of his past, however, because Steven was instructed to not tell Rhyll of this and to begin fresh.  

The first discovery of Steven’s addiction came 13 years into their marriage.  They had 5 children by this time.  This discovery happened because Steven confronted Rhyll and told her he had been visiting strip clubs and seeing prostitutes.  Rhyll was completely blindsided.  There had been no red flags.  Steven had simply been living a double life-living one way in secret, while on the outside looking like a faithful family man.  She went into a state that she now recognizes as shock.  They looked to their church leaders for guidance and help.  They were told that they were both good people and that they could get through this and to just begin again, with a commitment to fidelity, and to be good helpmeets to each other.  During this time, Rhyll began to take on the responsibility of the addiction.  

“I felt like I needed to ‘up my game’...to be more, and better…”

Ten years passed.  They had moved during this time, and Steven had quit his successful job so that he could travel less.  His job required him to travel internationally.  Rhyll felt that everything was well, and that it was all behind them, but Steven again came to her with a devastating confession that he had gone back to his addiction, and that the reason they had moved and he had quit his job, was so that he could try to break free of his behaviors.  She felt frustrated and so betrayed.  Rhyll shares, “Justifiable anger is really important in our lives.  Without it, there is no motivation to make changes in our lives.”  She also was going through this almost completely alone, since nobody knew about it except her parents.  “I will REALLY fix this!”, she decided, and began making phone calls all over the state and reading any books she could get her hands on.  This was when she came to the conclusion that this was an addiction.  On her insistence, they saw therapists, and there was church discipline action taken, but in spite of Rhyll’s best efforts at controlling the addiction, 8 years later came another disclosure from Steven.  This happened on August 25, 2005.  Steven had been arrested 10 days before and had managed to keep it hidden from Rhyll.  He had become masterful at keeping secrets.  

This was the moment that Rhyll figured their marriage was probably over.  “There was a moment on my front lawn, where it was just me and God.  And I raised my hands to heaven and said ‘Take it God.  I can’t do it.’”  After that moment with God, He showed her that there is freedom in surrender.  God showed her how to find light in the midst of chaos.  

“I learned to live one day at a time, and that God will show me what’s next.”

Steven found a good qualified therapist who at one session asked Rhyll “Can you stay with him if he’s in recovery?”  Rhyll didn’t know the answer to that question.  He had become so good at lying.  It was at this critical time that Rhyll and Steven both began learning a lot about living a recovered lifestyle.  “A recovery lifestyle is a healthy lifestyle”, Rhyll explains.  Both of them had to learn how to work their own recovery independent of what the other person decided to do.  They began discovering the tools of recovery.  “You can either live in trauma, or use your tools”, shares Rhyll.  For Rhyll those tools are 1) Quality education 2) Qualified therapy 3) Healthy Boundaries 4) Connection to God and others. Steven began working the 12 steps of recovery, and humbly sharing his story with people around him, including their 7 children who were mostly grown by this time.  This step was particularly hard as it left several children very angry or brokenhearted.  Step by step, Steven and Rhyll began to rebuild their marriage and repair the broken trust.  

“When I speak somewhere, I often get asked ‘How do you know you can trust him?’ My answer to that is that my husband is working on his recovery one day at a time and is earning my trust one day at a time.  And I am working on trusting him one day at a time”, Rhyll explains.  She has learned that you can know when someone is working their recovery when they are honest, humble, and accountable. She has also learned that when anyone other than God is at your center, you’ve been knocked out of recovery.  She shares that they check in with each other every night, which has become a great time to share difficult feelings, things they’re grateful for, just a wonderful way to connect at the end of the day.  “We don’t tell each other what to do, but we do share our strength, hope, and experience”, she says.  

                “...I am working on trusting him one day at a time…”

Rhyll believes that Christ has been everything to her during this whole journey.  She feels like her life has been directed into helping other women who are affected by betrayal trauma.  “It’s painful, but rewarding”, she says.  Trauma still sometimes hits her, but she has her own sponsor as well as being a sponsor to many other women.  She no longer has the main goal of being free from betrayal trauma but has stepped into a higher goal of living a peaceful, serene existence in all circumstances through Christ as her center.  When asked about her greatest resources, Rhyll shares that actively working a 12-step program that is trauma sensitive, spiritually centered, and gender specific.  She says that boundaries are such an important principle, that if she ever were to write another book, it would be about boundaries!  God has asked Rhyll to be grateful in all things.  She has found that He has restored everything to her and has used her pain to help others.  Even their children who were so angry or heartbroken have now become their dad’s biggest fans.  As they witnessed their dad being so committed to recovery and faithfully attending his meetings, they’ve come to truly admire and love them both.  Rhyll and Steven have sat down with every one of their grandchildren who have reached an age where they are old enough and have shared their story with each one of them.  These have been amazing, wonderful experiences that have drawn the generations together in strength and unity.  Hearing Rhyll’s story has been an honor, and a learning experience about the Grace of God, and the wisdom of surrender.  

Rhyll’s Recovery Resources:

Keeping God at her center

Her Sponsor

salifeline.org

sal12step.org

Book: What Can I Do About Me? By Rhyll Croshaw

Rhyll’s Song:

“Blessings” by Laura Story

Ep. 7- Amy's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Amy to hear her story. Amy is a married mother of 4 children, including 3 boys and a young baby girl. She loves getting outdoors and being creative in the DIY world. Amy shares that she was raised in a religious family with good parents that believed in God. She was the oldest of 4 siblings and always knew God was there intellectually. She said her relationship with God varied from time to time. Amy also developed a belief that God loved her, but she had to “check boxes” to earn affection from the Lord. She adopted a deep sense of perfectionism—that she would hurt her siblings and those around her if her example was less than ideal, and her worth lay in her accomplishments.

Amy started college at BYU and met her husband her senior year when friends introduced them, and they soon became engaged and married.

As I look back on my journals about when I went to college at BYU, I took on the perfectionist role, became an overachiever.  Being involved in everything was my badge of honor.

Before the wedding, she did not know about his addiction. He asked if she believed in Jesus Christ’s Atonement and ability to make us clean. Amy said yes, and he let her know that he had things in the past, but they were made clean through Christ. So, she accepted and moved on. A year and a half into their marriage, Amy was struggling with her identity as wife and mother. Her focus moved in large part away from God and to her husband. He was suffering with severe depression, and she was struggling to figure out how to fix him and manage his emotions. (Which Amy realizes was impossible, of course.)

During this time, her husband was acting out and struggling again with addiction but hadn’t been able to talk about it. At one time, he was just curled up in a ball and unable to get out of bed for days. Amy prayed to know what to do, and her husband finally said he needed to tell her something but couldn’t. Through a tender mercy, the Spirit told her what the problem was but to wait for him to talk. Through prayer and patience, he finally told her that he struggled with pornography. Amy believes he thought this struggle would be over when they got married, that sex in marriage would “fix it.” But as for so many others, this was not the case. 

Following this, Amy’s husband said he was going back to 12 step meetings through his church and invited her to attend spousal support meetings as well. She eventually accepted the invitation, but it was hard and felt very disconnected for a while. They were living with family and couldn’t talk about their struggles and why they needed babysitting every week to attend meetings. It was a lonely time with extended family, but Amy and her husband both felt the need for support from others that were struggling with similar issues. 

Amy struggled at this time to understand God and what had happened. Based on her understanding of the checklist mindset, she believed that she had done “everything right.” She was doing all of the things that were supposed to bring happiness, so why had God betrayed her and allowed this horrible thing into their lives and marriage? One day, Amy found herself yelling and swearing at God. She felt abandoned and betrayed. She also felt guilty and expected to be reprimanded by God like other father figures she knew. After all, you shouldn’t be angry with God, right?

When Amy realized God was still there after her “fire storm,” the first words she heard were, “Thank you.” She was in disbelief and expressed the question to God about why simply “Thank you?”

God said, “I've known this whole time you've been mad at me, but you haven't been willing to acknowledge it for yourself and feel it for yourself. Now that you’re being honest with me and you're making that choice to come to me in this totally broken state and express that hurt, now I can hear you and we can move forward.”

This experience was powerful for Amy and began some deeper healing for her. She still had big ups and downs. The darkest moments were still to come. Occasionally she would be prompted to ask about her husband about other things she was concerned about.  One day he mentioned that he had stopped watching videos. This was devastating to Amy, as she didn’t realize he had been watching videos. 

Before the full disclosure, each new discovery led to more devastation.  Amy shares that she would find herself laying and crying on the floor again because she found out a new layer of betrayal and the depth of his acting out. In 2016, her husband finally gave a full disclosure about everything, including things he had continued to hide. Both Amy and her husband hurt deeply, but both felt like they wanted to stay in their marriage and keep trying. 

Amy says, “He wasn’t expecting me to stay. He asked why I would stay after everything. I looked at it like:

I know who my husband is without the addiction. I know the goodness that’s in his heart. I know what you’re really like, and, yes, this stinks. It really, really sucks right now. But I have fought hard enough for you that I’m willing to go forward if you’re willing to go forward.”

Amy says she felt she had fought too hard for him to give up now.  With boundaries in place and a commitment to honesty, Amy and her husband worked again to move forward. She also set boundaries for herself and her own behavior so she could heal from her trauma. Over time, trust began to rebuild and slowly they began to heal together. 

Amy shares that she has started to feel empowered and more peaceful since she has started working on her healing and also reaching out to help others. Through 12-Step Groups and counseling, she has found more healing. Amy says therapy has helped as she works through the betrayal trauma and her perceived need to hustle for her worthiness and her feeling that she needs validation through checklists and her actions. She fights to stay close to God and has felt the presence of her Heavenly Parents supporting her when attending events like Heart of a Woman Retreat. Amy shares that 

Jesus Christ wants to go with us into the dark places of our lives and our hearts to be with us, rescue us, and help us find our way back to the light.

Amy’s Recovery Resources:

Jesus Christ

Good music/Christian Music

Heart of a Woman Retreat

Good therapy

SAL 12-Step Spouse Groups

Amy’s Song:

“Come as You Are” by Crowder

Ep. 6- Marni's Story

Becky and Kristy sit down with Marni to hear her story.  Marni is a single mom to 4 children who is their biggest cheerleader and support.  She loves to read, be in the outdoors, exercise and self-care.  She likes to spend her time traveling with family and having lunch dates with her girlfriends.  

Marni shares that she grew up in a home that was healthy and normal.  Her parents’ marriage was one that was an example of what she wanted for her marriage when she grew up.  Marni talks about having a strong relationship with God growing up and that she had an understanding that she is a daughter of God.  When she was 15 years old, her mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 3 years later.  During that time, Marni shares it was a really hard time but she also saw lots of blessings- people serving her family and praying for them.  After her mom passed away, Marni says she had her first “yelling match” with God about the unfairness of the situation.  Through this, she came to understand thee atonement in her life and that Christ suffered for her so that He could understand what she was going through.  The Atonement didn’t only have to do with sinning.  These lessons really helped Marni later in her life as she has gone through other challenges.

The Atonement has to do with pain and loss, too.  

Marni believed that she was married to her best friend.  They were married for 21 years before she realized there were any major problems.  Marni’s husband traveled a lot for work and life was busy with 4 kids.  They were like 2 ships passing in the night.  Because of an injury that made her stop and look at her life, Marni had to sit and see it for what is was.  She confronted her husband about changing their marriage and they talked about adding date nights, maybe working on communication and connecting more.  Throughout their marriage, there had been small insignificant lies by her husband but after an insignificant lie she confronted him on, he texted her and told her he wanted a divorce. 

Marni shares that she felt hurt and didn’t understand why he felt the way he did.  She was shocked and didn’t know that it was that bad.  She felt like they had a really great family.  Marni felt like there must be something wrong with her that he couldn’t come and tell her the truth about small things.  Her husband didn’t want to go to couple’s marriage, but she found an individual therapist and worked with her for four months, every week.  She thought all of the marriage problems were her fault and, on her head, and her husband continued to let her take it all on her shoulders.

Then, Christmas morning early, Marni found her husband’s work phone in their bed.  She woke up and saw sexting and more from her husband to many other women he had been with.  Pictures and conversations.  She couldn’t believe it.  Marni shares that she thought her husband’s phone had been hacked.  She didn’t think he was capable of doing this, especially while she was setting up Christmas for their kids, he had just said prayers with her and just kissed her goodnight.   Marni shares that she thought they were doing better in their marriage and she became physically sick.  Her husband he woke up but then started texting the same woman again and then fell asleep.  It was confirmation that this was real.  That someone did not sneak in and steal his phone. 

This is when she knew it was real.

Marni talks about calling her therapist (on Christmas morning) who had suggested that her husband was a sex addict.  She didn’t understand all that that meant so she prayed for the strength to have Christmas morning with the children.  Later that day, Marni tried to give him a chance to come forward.  She told him she has to trust him and that she would like to start with a clean slate and her husband agreed but still did not come forward with the truth.  As Marni confronted him with the truth, he would not communicate.  He had nothing to say and stonewalled.  She shares that she told him he needed to move out and he started getting angry and yelling and lashing out.  When they said the children down together, her husband tried to blame Marni for what was going on to the kids so interrupted and he stopped him.  She shares that is was scary and confusing for their children, who had never seen their parents fight before.  Suddenly her husband was angry and mean. Marni says that the spirit of the home was in a fog.  And when her husband moved out, the feeling in the home was cleaner.  Pure.  She shares that there was a lot more clarity when he left.

The darkest time for Marni were when she saw her marriage and family falling apart and she thought it was all her fault.  She shares that at one point she was so low that as she was going on for a surgery, she didn’t want to wake up from it.  She wanted what was best for her children and she convinced that wasn’t her.  Looking back, Marni says that she recognized she wasn’t perfect, but she was able to see that the darkness in her marriage and family was coming because of what her husband was doing.  Again, when he saw Marni at her lowest points, he continued to encourage her to see that it was all her fault.  

It was soul destructive.

Marni shares that as she found out more and more, she started to recognize that even though her husband was telling her that he was still working on their marriage, he continued the relationships with other women.  She thought that they were working together on their marriage, but they weren’t.  He wasn’t working on it at all.  He just kept lying and lying.  And Marni shares that it kept hurting every time he lied to her.  She wondered WHY?  Why was he doing this?  She just wanted him to let her go.

It was devastating.  It flattened me out.

If you don’t want to be with me, just let me go.

During this time, Marni talks about feeling very numb and wondered where God had been this whole time.  What had been going on that He hadn’t saved her and her children from this pain.  Marni shares that she had always been very prayerful, especially for her children.  The Lord started to show her where He had been throughout her life.  She says that she could look back and see where God had protected her and the children.  Even if they couldn’t be fully protected from her husband’s agency.  She could see Him in her broken ankle that allowed her to slow down and see her life and marriage for what they really were.  Marni shares that this is what led her to talk to her husband, what led here to therapy, and then led her to letting people into her home to serve her and her children.  After her husband texted and telling her he wanted to divorce, The Lord helped Marni mentally prepare to live separately from her husband.  And this helped her prepare to accept the help from friends, where before she would not let help her before.

God knew she would need a safety net before she even knew she needed it.

Marni shares that there were little pieces of light in the middle of the dark.  There came so much clarity and understanding and moments of feeling like an answer to prayers, even though it was so hard.  Becky shared that “Clarity helps brings truth and light-- Truth brings so much light.  Even if it’s painful truth, it brings so much light.  Then you have the information to make decisions.”   Marni says she never believed that God would ever give her the answer to divorce her husband, but when He did, she followed His guidance.  She checked back with the Lord to make sure that is where He was guiding and would examine her intentions to makes sure she was in the right place. But He guided her to the right step for herself and her children. 

She knew that healing was possible for her husband and for the children and her, but she knew it just wasn’t going to be together.

Marni shares that the process of divorce, there was a whole flood of answers to prayers.  She says that if someone had mentioned divorced even a few weeks before, she couldn’t have even considered it.  But once she had that answer, she knew she would follow the Lord and act.   Once Marni was ready and willing to act, she says that little confirmations kept coming and coming throughout the whole process.  She says she couldn’t have figured all this out without with the Lord.  She shares that forgiveness is between her and God.  She knows He wants better for her and in forgiveness, her relationship with God is strengthened.

Marni says she is still working on trust.  She is working with her therapist to trust herself and a healthier way to trust others because she trusted other so much that she discounted her own insticnts.  She shares that knows her truth and that she felt spiritual experiences, even with her husband.  Because it was about HER truth with God, not her husband’s.

Seeking God’s truth is the most important thing.

I know that I can always trust God.

When I know I can’t trust anyone around me,

I know that I can trust that relationship.

Marni shares that she really has been restored through Christ.  She feels she is a work in process.  She has fallen to the ground and is being picked up and put back together.  She is rediscovering things about herself and has never had to be so dependent on God in her entire life.

The person that I am becoming out of this is a better version, through a Refiner’s Fire.  

I have been stuck in the fire, molded down, and now I am being shaped into something better.  

God, lead me where I need to go.  And to be brave enough.

Marni’s Recovery Resources:

Addiction Recovery Support Group for Spouses

Connection with other safe people

Learning what Betrayal Trauma is

Qualified therapist for Betrayal Trauma

Book- The Journey of Abandonment Healing by Susan Anderson

Book- The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu

Marni’s Song:

“Clean” by Taylor Swift

Ep. 5- What is Betrayal Trauma? Beckie Hennessy, LCSW

Becky and Autumn sit down with therapeutic professional Beckie Hennessy, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, owner of BRICKS Family Counseling.  Beckie is APSATS (Associate Partner of Sex Addicts Trained Specialist) trained and a CCPS-candidate (Certified Clinical Partner Specialist) and works with partners of sex addicts in her practice.

Beckie began her career working on a children’s trauma team and as she began working with partners of addicts, she saw very similar behaviors.  She realized that trauma is trauma and started treating partners of addicts with general trauma interventions.  In 2009, it all came together for Beckie when she learned about betrayal trauma through Barbara Steffens’ book “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”.  She has been trained specifically for betrayal trauma and has found that specialized treatment is so beneficial for partners of sex addicts.

Beckie shares a definition of trauma and that trauma is very individual.  She shared that things effect each individual differently and whether something is traumatic or not depends on the person.  What is traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another person.  Betrayal trauma (or relational trauma) is often called “attachment injuries”.  This trauma is 

when one person betrays, abandons, or refuses to provide support for another with whom he or she has developed an attachment bond.

Beckie shares that this trauma is something that can happen when you are in a relationship with someone.  It can be a relationship with a parent, spouse, sibling, anyone you have a relationship with.  If there is an attachment there, there is the possibility of attachment injuries.  Many individuals that Beckie sees come in, usually after discovery or disclosure, and talk about what is going on side their minds and in their body.  These symptoms parallel the signs of general trauma.  If her book, Dr. Steffens found that a HIGH percentage of individuals coming in (primarily women but men as well) had symptoms that resembled PTSD.  Not everyone who has been betrayed has PTSD, but trauma is trauma.  And the symptoms were showing up the same.

So, what does trauma look like?  Again, Beckie says, this can be very individual but like general trauma, betrayal trauma can manifest to look like other things- anxiety, depression, ADHD.  And as they work and look deeper, often time there is some kind of trauma present.  Beckie discusses what betrayal trauma can look like mentally and physically (which can include confusion, feeling scatter-brained, nightmare, racing heart, upset stomach, shortness of breath, and more…).  Many times partners come into Beckie’s office and report the “Feel like (they are) crazy!” and want help.

Beckie shares how she supports those who are experiencing betrayal trauma.  Through her training, she has learned to recognize that safety needs to be the first things addressed, then they can move on to dealing with the issue (mourn and deal with the trauma piece), and then work to reintegrate and reconnect to the world, the individual, and their life.

Every single time I start with safety!

Establishing physical safety is the first priority!  Once physical safety is addressed, mental, spiritual, emotional safety is next.  Beckie says partners just want to feel safe, want to feel like they can trust, they just want to know which way is up.  A lot of behaviors that show up at the beginning, that look “crazy” from the outside, Beckie shares that the partner is just seeking safety.  And this safety can continue to be established when the basics are taken care of- eating three meals a day, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep.  

This safety is vital to move forward through and although the trauma piece explains the behavior but it’s also important to remember that it doesn’t excuse the behavior.  Beckie wants to support people in through their healing.  The key word being “through”.  It is the difference between being in survival mode and staying in victim mode, the difference between post-traumatic growth and a victim mentality.  Beckie shares that there is a difference between “hunkering down and stay there versus hunkering down and seeing that ‘this hurts’, taking a breath, and standing back up”.  Beckie notes that 

it is important not to put a timeline on healing

This is not something that will be all better after a month.  Being patient with yourself is the key to this.  It takes time to find safety and be able to learn coping skills and how to feel grounded in hard situations.

Beckie talks about safety through boundaries.  Boundaries are about the partner and what will be allowed in the partner’s life.  It isn’t about controlling the behavior of others.  The key is the focus on what you will and will not allow in your life.  Beckie shares the difference between a boundary and a rule and how important it is to share your boundaries with your spouse, or it isn’t a boundary.

Boundaries are HUGE part of safety.

Beckie shares that ways for friends, family members, ecclesiastical leaders too support those experiencing betrayals trauma.  She shares that first- it is not your job to save or fix them. That is what the Savior is for.  Next she stresses empathy and compassion for the betrayed partner.  It is important to be consistently patient, loving and there for them.  Next, Beckie cautions us to not “should” on anyone.  One way of handling hard situations will not be the same for everyone.  Just because something worked for a neighbor, doesn’t mean help this partner.  

Forgiveness and trust are NOT the same thing.

Finally, Beckie shares that there is a big difference between forgiveness and trust.  We are commanded to forgive but we are not commanded to trust.  The scriptures are clear about this.  Christ did not trust everyone and that is a good example for all of us.  Trust only comes after safety.

Everyone gets to use the God filter.

Beckie reminds us that the only individual we have to trust is God.  We can take everything too Him and be guided to make decisions for ourselves.  Giving yourself and others time is important.  Partners need time to deal with their trauma and find safety before trusting can be part of the equation.

Beckie is a Christian-based therapist and she has come to find that therapy goes much quicker if God and Jesus are involved.  She is a huge believer that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can fix anything.  God may not take the pain, but He will sit right next to you in it.  He will not leave you in it, even if He doesn’t take it.  He is absolutely in it with you, even if you don’t want Him to be.  Even if you are mad at Him.  Beckie shares that many people come in and are just hanging on and they need to let go and just be held by God.

God is not going anywhere.  He is going to stay by you.

Beckie’s Recovery Resources:

APSATS website- https://www.apsats.org

Beckie’s Podcast- The Path of Imperfection (soon to be The Path of Connection)

Beckie’s Song:

“Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns

Ep. 4- Kristy's Story

Becky sits down with Kristy, one of the show’s cohosts, to share her story.  Kristy is a mom of 4 kids and married to James, who is a sex addict.  They have been married for 21 years and it’s been a journey.  Kristy was born in Montana and moved to Utah when she was 2 or 3 years old.  She had a great mom and dad growing up, her dad was not a religious man and her mom was a lapsed person.  She feels she had a great childhood.  In her free time, Kristy loves to read (#1 passion), loves to knit (it’s a calming, nice hobby), loves history, learning, and teaching.

Kirsty’s grew up with great parents that were not religious.  They are very non-judgmental and loving people.  Her mom was a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints and she would attend sometimes, and the kids would go along with her.  Sometimes the kids would go alone or not go at all.

God was something we kind of had to find on our own

Kristy loved church.  She shares that she loved being there and the feeling she got when she prayed.  As she got older, as a young teenager, she loved reading scripture a little bit.  Kristy says she knew that He was there.  She had a really natural belief and she never really struggled to believe.  She knew I did have a loving Heavenly Father.  Kristy shares that she felt like she had a very solid spiritual foundation in spite of not having an “organized religion” religious family.

As she began dating more seriously, Kristy and James had discussions about things they felt they should know about each other.  As they shared, he mentioned that he struggled with pornography.  It didn’t shock her and she didn’t go running away. Kristy shares she was a little nervous but she also was very young and overcome with love.  They figured that marriage would work it out and once they were sexually active, it would just take care of everything. 

About 6 months into marriage, Kristy learned that pornography was still a part of his life and she shares that it really hurt to find that out.  She was expecting her first baby and felt very nervous and upset.  

I remember feeling like I didn’t know if I wanted to bring a baby into this messy situation.

Kristy says she felt confused why he was still turning to pornography when they had what she thought was a healthy and satisfying sex life.  She shared that it felt very traumatic, but after a few days she moved through it but it was still very heavy.  Kristy says that this was not something she could talk with anyone about.  She  felt like personally she could not have approached or told anyone about it.

For the next 15 years, they were just limping along.  He would go back to pornography anywhere from every few months and Kristy shared that while his acting out wasn’t a huge part of life but when it hit, it was the same feelings all over again.  She would ask her husband, “Why are you doing this?” “Why don’t you just stop?” “What is your deal?”.  

Neither one of us had any idea what to do or where to go.

Kristy felt resentment building over time with the repeated acting out.  Gradually, the influence of the pornography crept into places of their marriage they didn’t want it to, intimacy being one of the biggest ones.  Kristy states that she moved into more of a control role and he moved into a more passive, avoidant role.  Neither of them recognized they were gradually become more and more dysfunctional.

Because she didn’t talk to anyone about this, Kristy felt very isolated during these 15 years.  She was the only person who knew about her husband’s addiction besides a few church leaders and she wasn’t going to talk to anyone about.  She shares that she felt that she needed to project perfection on the outside. She felt like she was a “female poser”.

We had a deep dark secret and we were going to project perfection.

Kristy shares that since this situation was so dark, they just pretended like they were awesome and thought no one would know what was going on.  The more Kristy could project the ideal version of herself, the safer she felt.  She wanted it to look like she had it all together and that their family was a super righteous family.  Kristy says she was hustling for this sense of “I am ok, we are ok”, from a place of fear.

Kristy shares that during this time she felt closer to God because He was the only one who knew what was really going on.  She did have frustration and anger toward the Lord.  Kristy received some solace but she was still confused and angry.  She asked God, “Why don’t you fix this? This is a righteous desire.  Why are you leaving us in this?  Why don’t you just take this away?”.  Kristy wanted to put this in the Lord’s hands and not deal with it anymore and go on and live her life.

As her husband started learning that he may have an addiction, Kristy shied away from the words “addiction” or “addict”.  He thought “Hey, addicts can get help”.  But it was hard for her because to her it meant that her husband had no agency in the matter and that scared her.  

She worried an addiction meant he had no accountability for his actions.

Kristy wasn’t going to therapy.  She felt like it was her husband’s thing and he needed to go fix it.  She felt angry, “Why do I have to go to devote my time and attention to this” when it was his thing.  Kristy also shares that she is a very private person and the thought of going into a building and sharing her deepest darkest things was her definition of Hell.  But she decided to give it a chance.  The first night of group, she knew it was the right thing.  

Kristy shares that she loved group therapy, even though she was anxious about it at first.  The women were a safe place for her to go when her husband had a slip, when she was angry and felt irrational.  It was a place where she could go unload and not be judged.  

Those women are heroes and got me through some hard times.

After about 2 or 3 years of some progress and therapy, the worst year happened, including Kristy losing some family members, depression and job loss for her husband, and he was slipping right and left.  She found out that he had not been honoring her boundary to disclose slips within a day to her.  He had been lying for almost a week and when he told her, Kirsty shares that she “flipped”.  She was on her last leg, after the bad year that they had been having. 

It just broke me

Kristy called her sister and told her what was going on and that she couldn’t be home when her kid did, then she packed her things, threw them in the bag, got in her car, and drove northwest until she hit the coast.  This was the darkest time for her in this journey.  “I just need a couple days of peace to myself”, she shared.  She thought he would just hang in there and keep it together for a few days at home, especially for their young children.  But he couldn’t do that and it was bad situation for both of them.  Kristy’s sister called and told her that her husband wasn’t getting out of bed to take care of the kids, so she had to just turn around and head home (after only one night away).  

Kristy shares that this was her rock bottom and when she got home, she says she wasn’t really sure her marriage was going to make it.  Her husband was also developing a phone addiction and numbing instead of connecting.  Kristy wondered if God was calling her out of her marriage. After a few months, Kristy found herself at the Christian Bookstore and picked up a book.  The Lord answered her specific questions through this book.  Word for word, this book answered her questions.  He was not calling her out of her marriage at that time. 

The answers that Kristy received reaffirmed that God was 100% there with her and that he had always be there with her.  Even when she was yelling at the beach “Why?  Why have you left me alone like this?  Why won’t you rescue me from this situation?  Where are you?  Why won’t you step in?”.  Later, she realized He had always been there.  She and her husband needed to learn that God had to be their main focus.  Kristy shares that God is in the details-  He was in the wording of the specific answers from the questions she was yelling at the beach.  He heard her cry on the beach and answered her so personally.

He will answer you in whatever way you need to hear it.

Learning she was not in control was a game changer for Kristy.  God is in control.  Nobody else gets to control anybody.  Her relationship was so important to her that she was just doing all that she could to help fight for it, which is a normal reaction with a relationship that is so important.  Also, Kristy says boundaries are huge for her.  In all aspects of her life.  Relationship with parents, sisters, kids, etc…. Giving other people ownership of their stuff and not taking it on.  She also identified her core values and started living by them.  They keep her true to herself.  Dailies are important to Kristy. Things that help her include exercise, eating well, reading Good’s word each day, sleep, and talking to God (connecting to God) through prayer and meditation.  Kristy shares that she has a running dialogue with God throughout the day.

Prayer is me talking to God and meditation is me listening to God.

Kristy shares that the Lord has brought restoration to her life.  Instead of letting them just move on, He is bringing them further into healing to help people.  And by helping other people, He has restored them.  Kristy says that their capacity to love and devote their time to other people is more than she ever could have done.  It is part of God changing her heart.

It’s a miracle what He’s done with my heart

Kristy reminds us that the Lord is with you.  He is with you every step of the way. Whether you feel Him there or not.  You will look back and realize that those rungs on the ladder that you have climbed up on were miraculously set by a loving God.

Kristy’s Recovery Resources:

Book- Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

Book- It’s Momplicated by Debbie Alsdorf

Workbooks from LifeSTAR group therapy

STAR Gauge

List of Personal Values with statement to go with them

Meditation

Prayer

Kristy’s Song:

“Be Still” by The Killers

Ep. 3- Tiffany's Story

Becky sits down with Tiffany, one of the show’s cohosts, to hear her story.  Tiffany is a mother, “first and foremost”.  She has five kids and says they are the best ones in the whole wide world.  She is a full time hospice nurse and right now she is a “fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, make-it-work kind of person”.  She was married for 17 years to a sex addict.  She has been divorced for 2 years and wants to share the light and restoration she has received on her journey.

            Tiffany had a strong relationship with God growing up.  She always knew He was there and that He loved her.  She always wanted to do her best and never wanted to get in trouble.  Even then, she always knew He was there for her.  After she married, approaching her 2nd anniversary, she felt like things were off with her husband.  She didn’t know why but she felt like things weren’t progressing like they could.  Her husband confessed he had been into pornography.  Tiffany says it blew her mind because it was completely unexpected.  Growing up, she knew pornography existed but it was a “naughty” word in her home.

He confessed and everything just kind of stopped.

Tiffany shares she thinks she went into shock, that her mind didn’t know what to do with the information.  She assumed that it just happened and he confessed, she would forgive him, and then they would move forward.  She shares that she had no understanding of what this all meant or what to do about it.  But it was “definitely shameful” and she decided she would not be talking to anyone about it.  And she didn’t.  She didn’t tell anyone.  It was 10 years before she talked to anyone about it.

Tiffany shares that her husband’s acting out continued happening and sometimes there was confession and honesty and other times lies and hiding.  It started piling up inside Tiffany and became a nightmare for her.  Life was unstable and unsafe.  Tiffany says the way she reacted to this lack of safety was to go to a place of hiding and controlling what she could.  She worked to make her home safe and happy and make it so anything her husband didn’t want to do, he didn’t have to do because it might upset him and “make him do something bad”.  Tiffany shares that she was the “BEST wife” she could be and they had the cleanest house and she took care of all the chores.

But it kept happening.

Tiffany talks about how even though she was doing all that she could to stop her husband’s acting out, it kept happening.  The home and family only looked happy from the outside.  Tiffany shares that she was home freaking out which looked like being irritable with her children, withdrawing from friends and family, and isolating.  She just felt like it wasn’t safe to share with anyone.  Some of the hardest parts of this time were the obsessive thoughts about keeping her marriage and family safe.  Tiffany shares that she constantly swept the computer looking for something she may have missed, what he may have looked at, what he didn’t tell her about.  She talks about seeing a car on the street that looked like her husband’s car and stopping to check the license plate to see if it was his because he should be at work.  

This hardest time also included hours and hours of crying.  People say it’s good to cry but Tiffany would think to herself, “You don’t know.  When someone has cried 100 hours in a week, is that enough?  Because it feels like enough to me”.  But she couldn’t stop crying.  The pain was exquisite.  And repeatedly so.  It was a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain. Tiffany shares that this pain affected every aspect of her being.  And there was nothing to compare it to.  In this darkest time, Tiffany says her relationship with the Lord shifted to begging and pleading and bargaining.  She would tell the Lord she couldn’t do it anymore and, again and again, a weight was lifted off her shoulder.  She says she realized that God was still there and she wasn’t supposed to carry this alone.  The weight wasn’t completely lifted but she learned that He had been there through all of it.

There is no way I could have stood through all those years without the Lord.

Through all of this, Tiffany talks about being very committed to her marriage and divorce was never in her future.  She never contemplated divorce.  She shares that she was IN IT.  Finally, after 10 years, there was family event that her husband was not going to be able to participate in and both sides of the family found out about her husband’s addiction. It was like a weight had again been lifted from her shoulders.  This was her first step in learning how important it is to have support people.  

Tiffany and her husband had tried therapy once before but he did not like it.  She felt like it was their only hope but it didn’t continue.  Later, Tiffany decided it was time.  She said to her husband, “I am going to therapy!  Come or don’t.  I need help”.  He went with her. That started many years of therapy.  Tiffany shares that she did everything she could think of.  She didn’t want to leave any stone unturned.  She attended group therapy, marriage therapy, individual therapy, and more.  Tiffany shares that the Lord’s Light came and went for her during this time.  Her husband never found much recovery or sobriety while they were married.  Eventually she learned of a long-term affair her husband had been having.  Tiffany shares that she took her time to process that.  In the space of reflecting on her boundaries and safety, 

The Lord told her that had learned everything she need to learn and the light just flooded in.

            And it came to Tiffany that she was done.  And then came the decision to divorce.  Tiffany shares that this was a very sacred process for her.  She knew she was on the right track because she didn’t make the decision based on resentment or anger or despair. She talks about how the whole divorce journey was a miracle for her, being guided every single day in a clear way that it was the right thing.  Tiffany had been fully invested in her marriage and fought for it for many years.  Divorce was not really there until the Spirit let her know.   

God was there and I knew it was the right path for me.

            Tiffany says that the light had come and gone but it never stayed and grew until she was willing to take these steps for her healing and toward God.  She says the peace she found is reflected in her children and in her ex-husband.  They are both in a better place than they have ever been.

Tiffany talks about really learning that Christ is the Healer.  Not her.  She learned that letting go was vital.  Letting go of her husband’s recovery and letting go of her control were so powerful for her.  She reminds us to trust our intuition in this process.  Tiffany shares that looking back she knew what was going on and now has learned to trust herself.  And most of all, Tiffany shares that she learned that she needed God just as much as her husband.  

The only thing that can counteract the exquisite pain is the exquisite beauty of the atonement.

            As her divorce was finalized, Tiffany shares that felt she needed to mourn.  Losing her marriage was like a death for her.  She knew she didn’t want to have a party, even though there were very hard and painful things she was not going to have in her life anymore.  Tiffany shares that she decided to peacefully take steps to walk through her marriage, the good and bad.  She came up with a way to help her through the mourning process and recognize the pain and loss of her marriage. This was very powerful and helped her find peace and the beginnings of stepping forward after her divorce.  Tiffany wanted to share this tool with others and created a kit called “My Marriage Memorial” on Etsy to help others move through the mourning process of losing their marriages.

            Tiffany shares that she has found restoration through Christ through practicing trust.  One foot in front of the other.  She knows He is going to be there to catch her every step of the way.  Tiffany talks about how it is ok to be angry and hurt.  Some of her best answered prayers where when she yelled at the Lord. She knows He can handle it.  She talks about staying with the Lord and giving it time and the Lord’s restoration will come.

Find someone you can share your story with because to be known, that’s why we are here.

Tiffany’s Recovery Resources:

Qualified therapy

Healing Through Christ 12-Step Group

Self-care

Massages

Yoga- release that trauma

My Marriage Memorial- Etsy

Tiffany’s Music:

Eye of the Storm- Ryan Stevenson

Just like Fire- P!nk

Fight Song- Rachel Platten

Overwhelmed- Big Daddy Weave

“Fly”- Maddie and Tae

Ep. 2- Autumn's Story

Becky sits down with Autumn, one of the cohosts of the podcast to hear her story.  Autumn is a mom in the thick of the teenage years with her three children.  She has been married to her husband, Chris, for 23 years.  She loves being with her family and playing games, especially card games, and she works part time from home.

Autumn grew up in Utah.  She knew God was there growing up.  Her mother was active in her church but her father did not go to church. When her parents divorced, Autumn always “wondered why God did that to my family”.  She feels fatherlessness has been a key player in her life.  She prayed and believed full-hearted, read scriptures, and even went to church alone when no one else attended.  At the age of 17, she decided to gain a testimony of her own to find out who God was, who Jesus was and what role He played in her life.  She knew she was a Daughter of God.  She felt loved by the Lord and always tried to do what was right.  She felt connected to her Savior and knew He could heal things that were broken.  

Disconnection from the Savior came later, in the early part of her marriage.  Autumn had been married about 7 years and had 2 little kids.  She sensed that there was something off with her husband but couldn’t put her finger on it. Life was lots of “surface living”, like ships passing in the night.  Her biggest fear was that he was having an affair because her father did when she was growing up.  But her husband denied having an affair.  After the birth of their 3rd child, her husband came to her and told her he was going to be going through church discipline because he was having an affair, like she has suspected.  After a 6 hour meeting, he was disfellowshipped from their church.  

            6 months later, another affair came to light.  Autumn’s best friend’s husband called her and told her that her husband was having an affair with her best friend.

“I was devastated.  To the point that I wanted to die.”

Autumn went into another room in her house and took all the pills in a box.  She has no idea what they all were.  She called her mother and mother-in-law to tell them good-bye and to take care of her children.  Her husband rushed home and found her on the kitchen floor.  Autumn woke up 3 days later in the ICU.  She was monitored closely because each time she asked her husband about the affair, doctors and nurses rushed in because her heart rate would skyrocket and they were concerned about a heart attack from the pills she had taken.

            Autumn spent a week at UNI, the inpatient psychiatric unit in Salt Lake City, where she spent her nights in the dark and quiet on her knees in deep conversations with Heavenly Father about what she was going to do.  She received support from her ecclesiastical leaders in whatever decision she needed to make and her family told her to leave her husband.  Through those urgent prayers for guidance, Autumn knew she just needed to stay in her marriage at that time. 

            Autumn and her husband started a recovery program about 3 months later, after their individual and marriage counselors encouraged it.  She didn’t want to go to a program for sex addiction.  She wondered what a sex addiction was and if affairs were a sex addiction.  Autumn worried she would be the only spouse in the room.  But the first week there, she knew it was the right place and that Heavenly Father had guided them there.  She threw herself into the work, but her husband was half-heartedly doing things.  She felt frustrated and knew something was off.  She felt he was having another affair.  Autumn started checking his phone, hacking his computer, checking his recovery work.  It was crazy-making.  She wanted to be his support person and to do it together but it wasn’t working.

            One day she knelt down in the kitchen and just sobbed to God to just “please let me feel peace for 5 minutes”.  And she felt so much peace and a heavy burden lifted off her shoulders as God said to her, “You give me Chris and let me take care of you.  You worry about your recovery and I will do the rest”.  Autumn did feel scared.  She didn’t know what that meant.  She could be divorced.  But she knew Heavenly Father had them and would take care of them.  Her husband gave his last full disclosure after that and she knew he was telling the truth and that is when his real recover started.

            After this, Autumn worked hard on her recovery but found herself WORKING alone.  She didn’t trust anyone and didn’t let God help her.  It was hard for her to give her marriage to God after she had seen her parent’s marriage fall apart.  At times she felt disconnected, angry, and sad.  She practiced obedience but wasn’t giving God her love and her heart because it felt like her heart had been taken out.  Autumn says it felt like “my heart had been ripped out of my chest so many times”.  She says she built up walls around her heart and that day, kneeling and sobbing in the kitchen,  a small rip had happened in that wall.  Her fear turned into empowerment, walls were torn down, and warmth filled her soul.  Her relationship with God filled her again.

“I wasn’t going to give up control of my marriage. But as soon as I did, the miracles came and the changes happened.”

Autumn felt like she was walking next to God.  He was working beside her.  She learned to trust God’s timing and let go of expectations.  She says that trusting God’s timetable is when the changes came.

            Autumn personally found a lot of help when she was asked to help with her church’s addiction recovery program (which she had refused to try) and she went for herself.  She walked in and knew it was the right place.  She had never felt such love for Heavenly Father’s children.  She knew she was ALL IN.  She did the 12 steps alongside everyone else while she was facilitating.  Autumn often speaks about her 5 Areas of Recovery-- Counseling, Support Person, Familial Support, Ecclesiastical Support (Higher Power), and her Savior Jesus Christ.  She also concentrates on her daily check-in with herself.  Additionally, having clear and strong boundaries with her husband and with herself helps Autumn take care of herself and manage if she is triggered.  She says that Satan tries to attack and tell us that we can’t take care of ourselves but we have to.  Autumn especially connects with God through nature and she stopped doing that in the middle of the hardest times.  But she learned she needed nature in her life.

“When I bring that into my life, I am so much more happy and so much at peace.”

            Autumns says that even with her husband having 10 years of sobriety, recovery isn’t done. It is a lifelong priority for her.  Time, prayer, and giving things to God have been the most healing things when it comes to feeling triggered, which still happens everyone once in a while.  Autumns says prayer looks like different things for her, saying it out loud, in her heart, writing it out, screaming it out, crying it out through tears.  Prayer is a huge release for Autumn.

“He loves me no matter what.  No matter what I do or where I come from.  He loves me for me.  And I need to go to Him.”

Autumn has found restoration through Christ in her healing journey.  She said she wouldn’t change this journey.  It has molded her into who she wants to be.  She has been able to let go of animosity and anger and has been able to forgive those who have harmed her.  She says she has seen glimpses of who her husband was intended to be before he even started recovery.  Autumn has been able to give herself some grace in this journey through what Christ has done for her.  She says, “God has created so much power in you.  When I did give up hope, that is when I wanted to die.  I gave my power to Satan.”

“Don’t ever give up on you.  Ever.”

Autumn’s Recovery Resources:

ARP

Qualified Therapy- LifeStar for addict and spouse

Brene Brown

Daily affirmations- Jesus Calling, Hazelden books for Recovery & Life in general

Meditation

Being in nature

 Autumn’s Music:

“Fear is a Liar” - Zach William

“Superwoman” - Alicia Keys

“Brave” - Sarah Bareilles

“A Beautiful day”- U2

“Nobody”- Casting Crowns

“Who You Say I am”- Hillsong Worship

Ep. 1- Introduction and Becky's Story

Welcome to the first show.  First, please know you are NOT ALONE in this journey.  There are many betrayed spouses, ex-spouses, parents, siblings, and friends of sex addicts but most of the time you wouldn’t know it by just looking around.  It’s not really something we talk about in polite company.   As the wife of a sex addict, I spent many years isolated and without hope.  I have learned that there is a lot I can do to find healing and restoration in my life.  I wanted to share my journey and the journey of as many others as I could so that you could find hope and peace in your healing journey.  One of the biggest keys to my restoration was finding a deeper relationship with Christ.  

So, why RISE UP RESTORED for the podcast? 

Andra Day’s song “Rise Up”  is a reminder to each of us that we are not alone and a reminder that we can Rise Up and move mountains in our lives.   Living with and loving someone with a sex addiction (whether past or present) can be very painful and can sometimes lead to dark places.  Satan knows just how to attack each of us individually.  The most powerful way to fight back against Satan is to turn to our Savior.  Christ wants us each to Rise Up and receive His Light into our lives. 

In Micah 7:8 it says, “Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me”. 

There is so much damage that can be done to each of our souls in life.  Many times it feels like the damage we have experienced is too deep to ever be healed.   But there is hope.  ALWAYS hope.  This hope can be found through Christ and the restoration He offers to each of us. To restore something means bring it back to the original state.  BUT the biblical meaning of the word “restoration” is different.  True restoration through Christ has greater connotations that go above and beyond the dictionary definition.  It is “to receive back more than has been lost to the point where the final state is GREATER than the original condition”.   Being restored by Christ means that YOU can be healed beyond measure.

Introduction

Becky grew up in Utah and married her high school sweetheart.  They lived in Utah most of their marriage and also live in the Midwest and South for almost 5 years.  Over the last 5 years, she has been on a healing journey that has led her to this point.  Becky is about a year from graduating with her Master’s Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. 

Becky’s relationship with God growing up was that He was just like her dad, unkind and not there for her.  She thought that she had to be perfect and try to earn His love.  But even if she did everything she was "supposed to", Becky felt like it would never be enough.  

Darkest time

Becky’s husband told her about his pornography and masturbation problem back in high school when they were dating. In the back of her mind she thought that once they got married, pornography and masturbation would drop out of his life and they would just move forward into their lives.  Boy, was she wrong.  

“I didn’t know how much sexual addiction would affect our lives.”

The first few years of Becky’s marriage were the darkest years of her life.  Her husband lied about where he was and what he doing almost every day.   Many days she was alone in their tiny apartment without a car while her husband was acting out in his addiction.  Her husband was depressed and suicidal sometimes.  Those years were filled with pain and fear and tears and fighting and repeated betrayal trauma.  

Becky says she stopped functioning in many ways.   She was walking around in a fog, had a hard time sleeping at night, her thoughts were muddled and messy and there were times when she couldn’t even put together full sentences. About 2011 Becky started to feel suicidal.  She just wanted the pain of this intimate betrayal to stop.  She started self-harming. A big push with many ecclesiastical leaders was that they weren’t having sex enough, that they just needed to pray and read scriptures together more, and that Becky needed to focus on forgiving her husband and just let it go and move on.  This counsel and the pain that resulted from it led Becky to feel like she couldn’t trust God anymore.

In this deepest dark time of her life, Becky spent a period of time away from her church and pulled completely away from any relationship she had with God.  That relationship wasn’t strong to begin with but the trauma that she was experiencing shattered the relationship.  Becky just couldn't see that anyone was there for her or could love her if her own husband wouldn’t be faithful to her.  Becky says didn’t see the Lord, didn’t feel the Lord, and stopped seeking Him in her like.  She withdrew into herself and focused on getting through each day.  ALONE, breathless, and in pain.

Some hope

Through most of her marriage, Becky and her husband had tried therapy on and off with very mixed results.  20 years ago there weren’t very many resources for sex addiction.   But they kept trying and after many years and many bad therapists, they finally found a therapist they was able to start helping them make some progress before they moved out of the area.  And then, almost 6 years ago Becky and her husband found their current therapist.  Finding a qualified therapist made all the difference for them.  They studied and learned about the nature of addiction and treatment for it.  They learned about the trauma that her husband’s addiction had caused her.     

Some pivotal points in Becky’s healing journey included when she learned through therapy that she did NOT cause my husband’s addiction and she COULD NOT FIX IT!  Another game changer was when Becky learned betrayal trauma vs being codependent.  The things she was feeling and the behavior she was responding with were natural trauma responses.  She also relearned about the Lord’s grace and mercy and healing.  And one of the biggest game changers came when Becky attended the Heart of a Woman retreat in 2016. At this retreat, through the presentations, the time to meditate, pray, and study, Becky came to know who she truly is and how much she is loved by God.  Perfectly. 

 “He is a God who loved me fiercely and would battle for my heart.  I learned that I was enough, no matter what I did, and that love would never change.”  

Best recovery resources

Becky’s relationship with God is #1 in her life.  When she keeps that in the proper place (first), she can be peaceful no matter what is going on around her.  Becky does this through prayer, meditation, listening to Christian music, scripture and other good book study, and more. 

Second- The book "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means.  This is the book that she recommends every spouse of a sex addict should read.  It teaches about what betrayal trauma REALLY is and what that means in the healing process.

Next- learning about boundaries.  Boundaries keep us safe.  Wee can't control what other people do, but we can control what we will do.  The book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend is what Becky recommend to everyone.

Becky says that taking care of herself, practicing self-compassion, and gentleness when she is having a hard time all help relieved her of the heavy burden on "not doing it right".

And connection with women who are awake to the love of God has helped Becky learn to trust and open up to other women.  The Heart of a Women retreat was a powerful place to relearn about who God really is and to find beautiful connection with other women.     

Through her healing journey Becky has found restoration through Christ.  Even though she has experienced deep betrayal and trauma, because she knows WHO she is, she knows WHO she is. 

“I don’t have to hustle for my worth. I don’t have to earn anything. I am loved and the Beloved. I am enough and I always have been.”

Becky says that Christ was willing to suffer and die for her out of LOVE and nothing she does or doesn't do will change that.  This is so powerful and healing.  “I am ENOUGH!”   His Atonement covers EVERYTHING.  Every hurt and pain and sin and mistake.  Becky’s heart was shattered by men on this earth and the only way to truly find peace, hope, and healing in this life is through the Son of God. 

Becky and her husband are still on their healing journey.  There are good days and bad days.  But as they have turned to the Lord, they have been guided to know the next right step.

As Becky has worked on her healing, she has been drawn to helping others.  She started volunteering as a peer mentor in women’s trauma groups and went back to school to become a clinical mental health counselor.  As she supports women experiencing betrayal trauma because of their loved one’s sexual addiction (whether it is pornography use, affairs, voyeurism, prostitution, etc.…), Becky has found that betrayal trauma is betrayal trauma.  

“Trauma needs to be witnessed, acknowledged, and hope offered.”

Here at Rise Up Restored, we want to share stories of hope, insight, and even some resources to help you in this journey, whether or not that journey is still alongside a sex addict.  These stories come from real loved ones of sex addicts and we hope you find strength in your journey to restoration.

We are also going to have podcasts to answer your anonymous questions, so please send your questions to us at  becky@riseuprestored.com    And we may even have a few experts on the podcast in the future, too.

Please check out our other podcasts and additional resources on the website:  Riseuprestored.com. Please follow us on Facebook and Instagram at riseuprestored and our website riseuprestored.com.  And please subscribe to this podcast on your preferred platform.  And we would love your review if you would like to leave one.

Wanted to end today with Andra Day’s song “Rise Up”.  We invite you to Rise Up Restored with us.  See you next time.

Becky’s Recovery Resources:

#1- God in my life

Book- “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse” by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means

Book- “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Self-care

Self-compassion (Kristen Neff https://self-compassion.org )

Heart of a Women Retreat for powerful connection with God and other women connected with Him ( https://www.theheartofawoman.net )

Qualified Therapy

Becky’s Music (too many to choose from!):

“Rise Up”- Andra Day

“Just Be Held”- Casting Crowns

“Reckless Love”- Cory Ashbury

“Inheritance (Live) featuring Graham Cooke)”- Jonathan David and Melissa Helier